Dear Newest Pain Management Doctor,

Dear Doctor,

I hate you. You made me cry for hours yesterday. I thought the worst part about the day would be filling out the paperwork. Detailing my pain, analyzing it for the paper is like setting each pain on fire. Then I had to repeat it all for a nurse to put into a computer. Then I had to tell you again.
Then you described just how I feel.

Sitting by the side of the road in a broken car, while I watch the highway of life pass me by

(YES! Oh, I love you Doctor!)

The pain like a constant drip, drip of water. It's Constancy enough to carve out marble. And now I'm just a hollow marble shell of a person, left empty because the pain has continued, unending, for so long.

(YES YES! I LOVE YOU DOCTOR!)

I didn't want my tomb stone to stay "Died at 30, Buried at 90". If I waited for the pain to be gone to live my life, I would die waiting.

!?!?! WHAT !?!?!

Then you told me that the pain would never go away. If I chose, you could help me 49%. But I would have to give 51%. I would have to slowly get back to life, set a plan and follow it NO MATTER WHAT PAIN I'M IN. If I kept at it, you said I could push pain to the back of my head. All of this would be done without medicine. No more patches. No more nerve pills. No more narcotics. Except...except one thing I refused to try. 2 long acting meds (given just for a short time, to get me going on the program, then taken away for me to live life without them) 2 meds...one that I've tried and was so sick for the 12 hour duration. The other that is so full of negative stories, people who never get off it. Methadone.
Really doctor? REALLY? I'm stuck with this pain for the rest of my life, so live my life with the pain, and a short "training wheel" time with Methadone?


Doctor, I hate you.

I am not that strong. I can't do this without my pills and patches to get me thru the worst hours and days. No more laying around to control the pain??? WTF??? I live laying down so that I can have a life. I am not that strong. There has to be another way, another answer. I'm too young. Can't you do something more to reduce the pain?

I've cried so much, it hurts. Suck it doctor.

Love,
Rachel